I remember those days of my childhood and adolescence when communism was THE way of life . I remember being the 17 year old lass and her silence when she was told "Communists do not wear gold anklets. You cannot and should not have or wear one". I remember being the 18 year old girl and her agony when her college fee was equated to bribe as she had not won a merit seat. The girl finished her course in flying colours though and bagged a lucrative job as well. I remember being the 23 year old young woman and how she was pushed to the extent of feeling guilty for wanting a comparatively inexpensive wedding trousseau. Weddings were luxury, the feast was luxury, the trousseau was luxury, the euphoria was luxury - really? Did Karl Marx say all that? Register marriages were permissible. I had to fight my way then. I had had enough and possibly more. The water was over my head. I did blast the iron wall and settle away from this irrationality with the love of my life. Through all the things I had forgone, through all the things that seemed forbidden , "So said Karl Marx" was the mantra.
Since then, time has moved forward. I was out of the picture. I was a girl and was married off. Today, I have witnessed the overwhelming grandeur and extravaganza called weddings many times among siblings and cousins - coincidentally all boys. Today the boys of the family drive expensive cars and mo-bikes. I have seen them venturing into businesses, the rich spouses and their families frequently showering gifts at the drop of a hat. I have seen the in laws of the boys obliging every request and stepping in to solve all worries - be it raising the kid, be it a sticky financial situation. Suddenly, all things taboo were no more the same. All this while, I was away - always at a distance, managing time, space, job, home and baby - alone. I was a girl and was married OFF. I was too proud and my self respect would never ever allow asking for help. Karl Marx had said "to manage alone". I still carried the cross of communism. Coincidently, nobody ever asked whether there was something I needed. Probably, the high profile job that I seemed to have was reason enough not to be needy.
As I write this, I realize the red ink had sunk in deep into my soul alone. It had not even scratched the surface of any of my cousins or siblings. I am a proud woman today - no more submissive. So what if money won is twice as sweet as money earned? So what if it scares me to turn around, look back and realize I have not inherited even a speck of dust, everything is self made and anything else I need will also have to be self-made? So what if I have had nothing ready-made? So what if I alone had to toil hard to reach where I am? So what if I have understood that everyone else has had it way too easy? I still carry the legacy- the legacy of communism- burdensome at times. I still remember those days of childhood when grandpa used to tell me stories of his life, of his struggle for India's freedom, of his communist ideology and how I used to look upto him in awe. He is no more today, but I alone carry his legacy- for I alone have listened to him speak, grown up under his shade, seen him age and pass away. For all others, I am a girl and I am married off.
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